As promised I am writing about my confidence in asking for help that I unpicked in my last blog. It’s a bit of a ‘typical’ blog I know, I know. But it is Disability Pride Month after all so if it’s got to be done, what better month to do it in?
I always say that I am not trying to overcome my disability and that I am defined by my disability but I am still confident. But am I as confident as I think I am?
As you can tell I can talk about my disability, I love being disabled as that enables me to live the authentic life that I live. Yet when it comes to asking for help I am sorry to disappoint you fellow activists, but I am not as good as I thought I was!
Even when it comes to asking help from my sister. Now again, not a burden, but I am always aware of not putting much on my sister especially now as she’s ready to live her life and rightly so. But, even she gets annoyed at how bad I am at asking for help. For example, making my dinner (lunch) I never come out and say “Matilda will you help me (or rather make in most cases) my dinner please”. I always approach it “Are you getting hungry? Do you want dinner” when what I really means is I want dinner and I need your help.
I was quite chuffed that I was getting creative and was finding my way around it without directly asking for help as I wanted to make it sound as ‘fun’ as I could. But actually just come out and saying I need help is fine. Matilda, will help me dinner regardless of the way I ask her of course she would and helping me with this is a lot easier than dealing with the mess and injuries after!
Over the years I have gotten better at asking for help, the moments where I’m sat there till I’m blue in the face trying to do something are a lot more few and far between than they was! But as I say they way I structure this help is greatly influence by my internalise ableism and I’ve noticed this when I’m only with one person.
Again, I touched on this last time but this really is a new experience for me and I want to just roll with it and not view this differently but I do. I get this comes with experience and the more I am put in these situations the easier it will get but as you can tell at the moment it’s playing on my mind! It’s playing on my mind more so as I feel ready for the next stage of my life now I want to start thinking about moving out in which I would certainly need a PA and I know this would a very different dynamic but this whole process feels daunting!
I never thought I’d need a PA until recently and that has been quite a big thing for me to process. Not that there is anything wrong with needing a PA and I think if you need it go for it! I had a one-to-one throughout primary school so I would get used to this I think it’s more because like I said I never thought I would need one as I didn’t think I’d be ready to move out on my own but I am.
Yet, going back full circle how would I feel about moving out with a friend and be constantly needing their support? Do you see my turmoil?
I’m so ready for the next stage of my life and a big change to happen, but this transition is just so complex! This is when I feel like a fraud because as a disabled activist I want to show you that this stuff doesn’t matter and that I can live my life and I am. But this next step has just as many hurdles mentally than it does physically in terms of me developing my confidence and this won’t happen over night!
Sorry for the big ramble, it’s been a long time coming.
Thank you for reading,