I finished university over a month ago now and of course, I’d prepared myself for a flop as mentioned in the last post I wrote whilst I was still studying. But I didn’t quite think it would last this long.
After working from home since February 2020 (I started my virtual role-emerging placement before lockdown) when last month came I was more than ready to close my laptop and gain a bit of normality back. I am very fortunate that I have- going out with the girls again is so special. Yet, the reality of living with a chronic disability is that at times your disability does get the better of you and right now this flop is getting the better of me.
Before lockdown I had a lot of control over my disability, of course, I had lows and unexpected fatigue days but I managed this pretty well. But working from home for so long has really affected me in terms of fatigue and I find myself tiring a lot more easily and this is down to two reasons.
The first reason is the change in routine as mentioned. When I was studying I was quite strict with the amount of work I did during the day and I would start and finish at the same time. Therefore, although I’ve only been doing a few bits with the blog and writing guest posts (which I’ve missed doing- so it’s good to be back) it’s still a different routine and isn’t as full-on. Yet because I only have a few bits of blogs to do and it’s not as full-on as writing assignments I’m trying to stagger it out but this is affecting motivation levels. Then on the days where I do have more productive activities to do I find myself fatiguing really easily.
Moving on to leisure activities… Flopping or not I still try to keep busy and as mentioned it’s good to get out of the house! In fact the weekend I finished university I was barely in the house and it felt good to actually feel like a 21-year-old. But oh my word these activities are using up a hell of lot more spoons than they did 18-months ago. It’s taking me a while to find that correct balance with managing my fatigue again on days out and therefore a lot longer to recover.
Within these 4-weeks off I’ve noticed this impact and I find myself hitting the snooze button on my alarm a lot more.
Not only am I fatiguing because of the days out themselves I’m also fatiguing as I’ve forgotten how mentally exhausting it is planning a day out when you have a disability- that’s one thing I’ve not missed. Being outdoors with people is great I love socialising but again I’ve forgotten how much social anxiety I get being around people who don’t know me very well, due to the constant worry of not trying to spill a drink over, or trying not to fall. I know, I know I shouldn’t worry and let my internalised ableism take over, but it’s easier said than done after so long out of the game. It will never put me off going out and living my life but I’ve certainly forgotten how much energy that takes up.
I had to think a bit about if I wanted to do this post because I’ve done a lot of similar posts to this recently and I don’t want to sound like a broken record. I really want my GV mojo back but at the moment when I do go out, I’m using that many spoons it’s taking me longer than normal to recover.
I know that if I just take it easy I will (hopefully) be fine and ready to start enjoying the summer therefore for now taking it easy and carefully managing my disability is my main priority.
How do you manage a good old fashioned flop? Let me know in the comments.
Thank you for reading,
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