Those who know me well, will know that I am not a fan of the term ‘independence’ and I much prefer the term interdependence and believe that within the communities we are apart of we are all dependent on each other. This could be friends, family or colleagues. This concept is something I talk about a lot especially when I’m teaching. Of course I just wanted to acknowledge some people have to be independent through their circumstances but today we are not going too deep.
However, when it comes to myself and internalised ableism I still do wish that I could be a bit more independent and this is something I have spoken about before so I am not going to repeat myself. Yet, recently since moving out it is something that I have been struggling with.
I am so happy that I have moved out and feel so grateful to be living with my partner, Jared! But being dependent on someone daily that isn’t my parents has been hard and Jared doesn’t mind (no, he’s not a hero) but it’s an adjustment.
For example, today Jared is out so I’ve got up put some washing in, I want to write this blog even two potentially, the bathroom and bedroom needs a clean and my hair needs a wash (which takes an hour an a half). But the reality is I won’t have the energy to do that all before Jared’s gets home, and that’s fine and I know that’s fine by I still strive for that and I’m not sure why. I’m not trying to be a Instagram house proud girl, that’s not me. So, why am I still craving this ‘perfect’ life?
I broke a bowl the other day, it’s a bowl who cares? Yet, it massively triggered my internalised ableism.
What I’m saying is as a disabled person, being in your twenties is hard before I met Jared I’d see people moving out etc thinkings that’s not me yet etc. But now, I’m thinking how wrong was I, I’m only 26 and I’ve done it! Younger Georgia, would have never had thought of this! However, it’s not all as it appears on Instagram either it takes adjusting especially adding disability into the mix.
I am so fatigued at the minute, working full time (which I know is a privilege) trying to set up things around the house and yes, I’m loving it but it’s also really hard for me to adjust! Disability isn’t a limitation in my relationship and this next chapter at all but it’s still a big factor and sometimes there are challenges and we have been adjusting to our new normal and what this looks like with disability.
Personally, it’s been a lot harder than I thought because one part of me wants it all because of societal expectations yet my body can’t do that. Yes, do I know better than to not try and keep up with societies ableist expectations but as we all know once ableism is internalised a lot of force is needed to push this away!!
Am I loving living with my partner and proud of what we’ve achieved? Absolutely. Is it hard? Yes, but’s that’s completely normal!!
So yes, this blog isn’t revolutionary if anything I feel a bit shallowing admitting that I’ve had these thoughts and it is something that I’m battling right now at it goes against the whole ethos of my activism. But as I say once ableism has been internalised it’s there and it’s okay to admit that for anyone who needs reassuring.
Thank you for reading remember to always be your unique self. Happy World CP Day!
Georgia x
